Right back at...YOU! weehee

i'm happy...ur NOT
i'm laughing...ur NOT
i'm achieving...ur NOT
i'm healthy...ur NOT
i'm dealing with my life accordingly...ur NOT
i'm resilient...ur NOT

and one thing I'm NOT, but u r...
is LIVING IN DENIAL...
HAH!hehehehe

L|v|nG L|fE aS | sHouLd...

since valentine's day, a quote from syak's lovely card has been reminding me of what should be reminded to ALL...

:: Good things come to those who wait ::

couldn't agree more...my first few months were devastating, intolerable,painful...
i've waited...like a fool, i did...waited n waited but all that came swooming were BSs...
so i decided to stop waiting...n live my life as i should've...
putting up a smile was the hardest thing to do...

to a certain point, devastation will eventually becomes ignorance...substantially then becomes happiness...thank u syak...for the constant reminder...i'm grateful to u...
i thought too hard...too foolishly...and it brought me to a dead end...
a phrase that caught my eye the other day was from Feezabelle...but with a twist...

:: Being alone is so much better than to be in luv with sumbody who's not in luv with u...or probably sumone who's not even sure of his/her own capacity of luving the other ::

point taken...i am so happy with the life i'm leading rite now...i've never thought that life is as great as this...i've learned so much...and smiling...laughing so much...the last time i had all these was when i was 16...and gosh...how i would luv to keep my life this way forever...oh well, at least here i know how great n fair God is...

:: Lose one, He'll replace u with 10 ::

it's funny to see how fickle people are...not just on their attitude...fickle on thoughts, decisions, words...EVERYTHING...one minute they say they adore u...on the other minute they say they adore sumone else...hmm...MEN...oh how i wish they could just keep their birds in their pants.. :)

most of us often neglect the luv 4 ourselves...n i've never figured how signifant that is, until it stroke me hard...n i've learnt to not expect anything in return at all...ape ade, ambik je la..
alhamdulillah...smue kuase tuhan...

My deepest gratitude to all...thank u for believeing in me..supporting me and tolerating with me..
u guys played a huge roll on helping me become that happy person again... :)

my platforms of emotions...

it's true when they say, God will never give u what u ask for..
u gotta EARN it...strive for it...

things haven't been easy lately...
first it was my endless weekly presentations, quizzes, assignments and the BIG BROTHER final year project...
then came the remorse of an immediate family member...it was superbly unpredicted...
that night at about 9p.m., allahyarham's two children were just at the hotel spending time with him, when all of a sudden everything went wrong...
9a.m...
I was suddenly woken up from my sleep which lasted only for about 5 hours, by an irritating ringing tone..it was my mom...
For years, i have not heard that voice, so full of sorrow..mom was crying, grieving...told me that my uncle died...cause of death, suspected hyper pressure...i went speechless, ran down to wake my uncle up, who was snoring his way to la la land...
2006 is a s***ty year...everyone just..DIED...ya allah what on earth is happening...

His death opened up my eyes n heart...to live life to the fullest...
I've been waiting for things that aren't coming anywhere in the near future, or probably ever...
I should've instead grabbed every opportunity that came my way...not sitting there like a loser waiting 4 somebody to spoonfeed me...wasted my time there...
just when i feel so s***ty, with the continuous unfavourable dreams, an sms came in right after i slammed my precious notebook close...a goodnite sms from the 1 n only...made me smile n i had a pretty darn good dream... :) it was the same night my uncle died tragically...
The next morning was full of mourning, a sad sad morning...tried to just keep calm n be strong for my mother...after a few hours, an anonymous call came in...
It was my first puppy lover...Told me he misses me, n that he dreamt of me being so thin, as if my life has been superbly miserable..oh how sweet...he put up a smile back on my face... :)

all day long i was thinking..what the hell have i been doing?...what on earth have i been thinking, doing things that i've done?..its like i'm taking my LIFE for granted, BIG TIME...
til it just came to a point that i stop wondering...look back n smile...n that was all that i could do...
n how i wish it will never fade away...how i miss being in that state...where smiling was my favourite routine...n where my favourite fairytales come true... :...(

I just HATE it!!

i hate it when people kept giving me nonsense!
i hate to be in this s***!
i hate being an a**!
i hate being left behind!
i hate you!
i hate myself for the chances i gave u!
i hate myself for blindly believing in u!
i hate ur behaviour!
i hate u 4 using me like f***!
i don't ever wanna c ur goddamn face anywhere in the near future, or better off ever!
i don't wanna hear ur voice!
i don't wanna share any laughter and tears anymore with u!
ur killing me and i'm now turning into a horrible person!
i'm lack of patience and i hate that!
i hate to live in the same country as u!
now i'm hating myself for giving face at u!
i hate it i hate it i hate it!
f***ing grow up and get outta my life!!!

fUr|oS like nobody's business!

Nowadays, EVERY freakin human being is turning into an ARSE...
Sumpah, i don't know why..
Smue ckp tak serupe bikin...
Kaki tipu...
Kaki pusing cerita...
Freakin living in denial...
Gelojoh, dah dapat satu nak lebih...
Take others for granted BIG TIME...
Taking credits for someone else's work...
Cerita berapi padahal keje tak seberape...
Just because some ppl dah start keje, ade hati nak compare with others yg still on their degree level, when in fact yg keje awal tu higher education pon separuh jalan...Oh PLEASE!...
Ade yg muke cam half-constructed building ade hati nak kutuk others...
HOI REALITY CHECK...EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN FLAWS ASSHOLE!haa kan dah terkeluar...
Ade yang kene sepak ngan i kang...ya allah nasib baik tuhan bagi i ruang utk sabar lagi...Argh....

My 1st n Last Promenade..

It has been 4 years since I first became an MMU student...
Graduation is anticipated to be in June, 2006...
And I'm glad that I went through so so many phases during my years spent...
Thanx u guys 4 making my life in MMU so worthwhile...
U guys will always be in my heart...

sumthin 2 think about...

How many times
Are you gonna apologise about the same thing
And how many times can I take you back
When I'm not the one that's doin' wrong
I thought maybe if I started prayin'
That we would get better, but
When I would pray the answer would always come
Back to me bein' done
But we are so hard headed when we're in love
So I

I told myself that I would make some changes
But the more I change there's one thing that remains the same
I can't seem to shake ya
You seem to really have a hold on me
And everytime that we break up
We turn around and make up
This can't go on now
I gotta move on now
It's not the fact that I don't love you no more
But I gotta break this bad habit
Can't take his bad habit no more

I'm totally out of my element
Learnin' new ways to live, while you're in a comfort zone
Not even thinkin, (you couldn't think about me) to call
And then when I get mad you buy me gifts
Thinkin' it's gonna solve every issue
From the girl callin my phone, to the pictures that I saw
And every time you would break up with me for nothing at all
I've taken all I could take
But the way I live has gotta change

Let me break it down
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you was just too blind to see
Past, all of the pain they were causin' you
Ladies do you feel me
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you went against the
Right things that you should do
Then it's time to make a change

:: Bad Habit by Destiny's Child ::

Mr. KAZ...

thank u...
thank u...
thank u...

u made my day...
n i love u 4 that...

|'m bRoKeN...

For what is man,
What has he got?
If not himself,
Then he has not,
To say the things he truly feels,
And not the words,
Of one who kneels…

i owe this to Aiman...

are we doing things right?...
or are we just fooling ourselves KAZ?...
help....i'm broken...

YOU...

thanx for yesterday n the memorable nite...
i couldn't stop smiling...
n thinking of what a gentleman u were...

CAN WE DO THAT AGAIN?!!PLEEEEAASSEE heheheheh....
TI AMO!!

tW|sTeD...

am i right or am i wrong to feel this way?...
what if things turn back against me?...
is this for real or is it just a dream?...

for sure...this is TOO GOOD 2 BE TRUE...
coz most of the things going around don't tally...
is there any assurance 4 me to believe in?...
are u sure of what ur saying?...
I do believe in it...
But where are ur grounds to it?...

AffL|cTeD w|tH sOrRoWs...

there are a few agendas of which are definitely better off not to be told...

almost lost a goodfren because of a girl...let me just say that the person concerned managed to make me just throw my keys onto the body, yell and babble all the way up my stairs til i reach my bedroom n cried a few tears...i was so mad, seriously ok...ur just plain lucky u knew how to push the right button...i hate u! don't u do that to me again KAMBENG! yiihh....

lost a fren who was committed in a tragic accident, here in KJ...eventhough we've only talked for a few hours n shared few laughters, fate made me cry...i was sitting lazily at my dad's "royal" sofa, religiously changing channels on Astro, complaining on the sucky shows, when suddenly an SMS from Aussie came blinking...It was from Aref...

"En, Hani, Musta'in's brother just passed away...Please call Sue..."....

I started trembling...scrolled thru my mobile phone searching for Sue's number...Grabbed my cordless phone n started dialing Sue...She picked up, but with a very calm voice..As soon as she knew it was me calling, Sue started crying so badly, til she couldn't even speak out her words right...Ya allah...only God knows how shocking the news was...I couldn't help but stare at a blank spot while reminiscing about Hani and how funny he was, what a nice guy he was..and how young he was...Dad suddenly asked me of the blank n emotionless expression on my face... Tears started pouring as soon as I told Dad about what had happened...Dad held my hand, told me to be strong and to always remember Hani in my prayers...

"Een...every living soul has its journey...and God has ended his journey at that given moment.. Don't u cry tears of blood about it as nothing will bring himback..Sedekah Al-Fatihah banyak2 to Hani, just like what u did for Arwah Basirah..."

Ya allah..tuhan je tau how sad i was...one by one, the people i knew had left for good...And i regreted that i didn't say things that should've been said...

In Loving Memories...

Hani Adnan
Mohd. Ashraf
Basirah Baharuddin

2 Be or Not 2 Be...

ok..this is madness...it has been MONTHS since i last penned...ok here goes...

So much had happened...i stumbled, i fell, i cried tears both of joy n sorrow,i laughed at everything that has happened,i got so mad and almost outta hand AGAIN...oh gile..

What's important is that I've learned so much in that particular moment...of where I felt so devastated...i was crushed to million pieces...and God knows how hard it was 4 me to pick up the tiny pieces of my sanity shattered everywhere...

and of course, everything happens 4 a reason, thank u my dear Affendi...I mean it...

I learnt the hardest way to live on with my life...affiliating myself with all sorts of activites and events...Honestly, that helped only 50% upon recovering...
The act of being resilient...it's not about how u divert things and occupying urself...but the utmost important factor...UR INNERSELF...

::Yes, clubs play good music 4 u to sweat it all out n laugh about every ridiculous act...u get good exercise but u'll die soon of being the 2nd degree smoker, even if ur smoking...

::Alcohol n drugs drive u 2 a state of half-insane...makes u 4get about ur tight life, at least 4 the night...but when memories strike, u'll go more insane than ever...

::Karaoke makes u sing ur heart out, which in turn makes u sound like Ella in the end...no offense...

::Endless Milo O Ais n Teh O Ais with ur frens lets u have all the time in the world to just talk, in the end expands ur butt, bloats ur bladder n degrades the performance of bloodflow...

Has any of the above or of anything related to it plays any significant effect upon dealing with ur innerself? don't think so...

The ability to just sit calmly, have a peace of mind, breathing in n out in an ordered sequence of time...Reminiscing about everything that has happened...smile about it, cry about it n squeeze ur palm out of anger, in ur own space without the act of destroying urself n the things around u...
And at the end of the day, everything falls into place, even the most horrible, heart-aching memories puts out a smile in u...

If that's so hard, get a person of whom u know doesn't have bias thoughts, who can speak to u out of logical n matured thinking...express everything...n be glad of every dot jotted in ur storybook...smile n thank God 4 everything...

Just let urself go...let ur mind settle down, out from the commotions 4 once...

Now that's what u call being RESILIENT...love urself b4 u start 2 love anyone else, and so the saying goes...U were born alone, u'll die alone...

sometimes we oughtta think that being single is SUICIDAL especially when u've gained ur "ADULT" status...fact is, it's not...

U see...this is the actual point of life where u start to think maturedly, gradually...
U start working,earning ur own money n treasure it...start to pay 4 ur own car, ur own 300k apartment, ur monthly Chilli's and weekly Starbucks, ur MAC n Chanel, ur Vera Wang set, ur collection of Adidas trainers, Hush Puppies, Nine West, Bonia n all sorts of shoes, ur Guess, LV, Gucci, DKNY n Fendi bags n watches...Fuh...those r gonna cost a LOT...

n NO, i don't wanna rely on anybody 4 those...even IF i get married to a rich gentleman...

back 2 the old story...mak ai panjang gile ni...

I've learned n implied that...
:: If u LOVE someone, u gotta let him go...If he comes back, then he is meant 4 u::

n so it has...I have cried so badly, letting go that one person whom played so many significant roles in my life...i had so many drastic transitions of beyond my own awareness...but thank you, my dearest Khairul Affendi...the historical ups n downs we shared have helped me gain so much confidence in my life, to stand out in the crowd n be proud of who i am...n i can't do it without my circle of friends whom made it possible 4 me 2 make it thru the darkest storm of hurricanes n ice...yeap, that's how painful it was 4 me...

I received the Dean's list, of which appeared almost impossible with the kamikaze act of taking up 13 credit hours in the period of 8 weeks...alhamdulillah...n i'm so happy that my dear friends are also scoring well in theirs...

Made few new friends..Syak, welcome to the club hehe...I've managed to "merge" my KJ friends with my MMU friends n it turns out so darn GOOD...made peace with the people i had disagreements with...Met few guys of extremely different backgrounds n lifestyle haha...n ya, created some important agendas with Mr. KAZ...

Thank u...all of U...there are too many to thank...

My sisters n in-laws, Alia, Emmy Safina, Farah, Fiza, Aiman Sya'aban, Khair, Apek Jan, Aref, Zana, Aida, Farah Nadziah, Syakirah Mazrah, My Zainals including mak n abah, Alif n Muntz...n yes, i'm not leaving u out, KAZ...

Thank u so much...so so much...

I can finally smile again... :)

¿Donde es mi amor?

Blame it on my Spanish class...
Life gets lonely sometimes...But i thank God for crossing my path with friends, foes and acquaintances...Each of them plays significant roles in mylife, how it goes around and how it affects my adolescence...

To think about it, sometimes it makes me cry..sometimes tears of happiness and sometimes of sorrow...Then again, it makes me smile..As oppose to making me cry, as i grow up, someone has made me realize of the bright side of every negative points been dotted along my storyline... Couldn't be more thankful of all the things happening around me and the memoirs i planted in my sCRAPbook...

There are still a lot of questions in my life...

¿Con quien tuviera yo que encontrarme?....
¿Donde es mi amor?...

Pienso soy enojada...That's why i always end up doing things i never wanted to...Been outta my head a couple of times...

In my life..even with all these beautiful and sorry-ass people going in and out, there has always been that SOMEONE who i often conform with...not to say that i'm plain naive.. just that a lot of logical and sane decisions i made were mostly influenced by his way of perceiving things and how he adapts to it... and how he fusions it with all the insanity, chaos and madness the world has to offer...not that i'm idiotic enough not to be able to do that...just that i have a slight problem on controlling my emotions towards decision-making ONLY when it comes to matters regarding me...Hell yeah, if u ask people of the advices and truth beyond every word i said has always been VERY WISE...

Sometimes i thought after all the things that has happened, it would make me a more resilient lady...arghh...at times it does...but MOST of the time...man i just breakdown and cry...

I have practically everything within my reach...and alhamdulillah i've never been ostentatious...
But then again..there's this tiny dot missing...A significant dot which halts my phrases in order for me to catch a deep breath again...

¿DONDE ES MI AMOR?....

...sob....sob....

BuLL's eYe!!

Say What?!!
Well...people always have sumthin to say about one another eventually...
Hmm...all i can say is that...

::It takes One to know One::

heh....so if u say sumone is a total biatch...hits back on u...
and if u say sumone is a total sweetheart, Hey! hits back on u too!...u see! hehe

like my dear syazana said..."Be original, don't fake it!"...yeah right on sista...
at least i don't need no 6 " chems to make people turn around twice, or MORE! ehehehe

bak kate Aiman... "Ade SESUATU la dia!" hahahaha
oh snap out of it! " Jangan kau nak memondan kat sini!....KEJI!!..." aaaaaaaahahahhahah
Bloody hell!! Kill me sumone please!
BLEEEGHH!!!!

Sob...sob...

:: You're Beautiful
It's true...
I saw ur face...
In a crowded place...
And I don't know what to do...
Coz I'll never be with U... ::

*sob.....*sob......

tHe F|NaLLe...

and at last!! i've reached to the end of my training! weehoo!!!
oh man..this feels so good..no more 6:50 a.m. alarm clocks and RM2.70 of toll charges! argh!

anyway, i miss xybase already..SOMEHOW...as much as i hate the stress at work and the punctualities and datelines and blegh blegh blegh, there are loads of good memories there too...
thanx to the RMS team whom was there at my initial stage of training...

My bestfren at work... Hui Ling...Lady, i'm telling u, if u didn't start the conversation at the discussion room on 20th June, I'd practically be alienating myself there...hehe..thank u so much for being a buddy at work...i appreciate it very much..

Tay, i will not forget all the bully-ing, EVER hehehe...to others ; Lina, Gan, Shida, Skie, Hiew and Hasif...thanx a bunch...u guys made me feel at home... =)
My other bosses...Kim Hua, Yip and Ai Mei, thank u for drilling me on working professionally..
Yeah, i know...those are BIG projects... *wink

I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of u who has been around me at work, helping me on sorting all these mambo jambo...Hey, i deserve a break don't u think! it's an international project for God sake, and I posses a sugar-sized knowledge on what was required...so Tay, where's my Haagen Dazs?...and plus plus? JAVA and SQL wasn't so hard after all! heheh...

:: SOEKARNO-HATTA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, JAKARTA ::

:: SISTEM KAWALAN DIESEL BERSUBSIDI, a project of KEMENTERIAN PERDAGANGAN DAN HAL EHWAL PENGGUNA ::

Thanx u guys...i never knew i had the ability to be a good graphic designer...and Yip, i'm flattered on the invitation to join u guys later as the company's graphic designer...
THANKS U GUYS.. SOO SOOO MUCH!!!

tH|s wEeK's aGeNdA...

22nd September

My sayang's birthday!!!

HaPpY brThDaY sAyAnG!!!!
Khairul Affendi Zainal

23rd September

My final training day!!!
Weeehhoooo!!!!

Un|vErSaL cOnTrOvErSy...

ok aiman...here goes...

ok...i've not been blogging for days..(je ok!)...been really busy not meman*** ok aiman my dear, but more like WORKING...thank u...
I've been sick really frequently too nowadays..no specific reason to why that occured but i guess it's the dry season and stress...Ok now this is something that i've been thinking about a lot these past few days...

People always come up to me and say...

Always abide ur instincts coz they're like the other U that went through the day just slightly faster so there's a tendency that things will turn out just the way it's supposed to be...
And think with ur brains, not ur heart...For our emotions are games of the satan...

But when these two thoughts collide, i feel that it's just about the same...
I mean, instincts come from the heart...and yet people told u not to listen to what ur heart tells u coz it might just cause catastrophe...Oh man...

Well...i had some really rough times myself few days back..
Not only pertaining me, but also pertaining my own fresh n blood AND the people i care about very much...
I realized that there's so much anger and rage in all of us...that's why nothing works well just enough...there's always these missing, neglected pieces of the bad puzzle laying somewhere..
Of course, we're just plain humans..born to make mistakes...and we often forget...not that we chose to forget, but more of the side effects of our lifestyle...I admit, i've not been a dedicated solehah muslim...and i realized...THAT'S where it all started from...the lack of devotion towards Allah S.W.T....

Hati selalu resah...
Minda selalu berceramuk...
Kening sering berkerut....
Jiwa dan raga hampir terpisah...

That's how bad i felt...Now i'm not entirely ok...
We all know that God will never help us, if we didn't help ourselves...
And that things happen coz we chose it to happen...
Sedar tak sedar sebenarnya the things that happen and revolve around us are the things that we have chosen...we have to learn to except the facts, the package...coz nothing is perfect...
There's yin and yang...Now THAT'S what makes it PERFECT...
The cure for my insecurity, low self-steem, and all these negative vibes in me is in front of my eyes...Kain sejadah yang senantiase berbau harum walau diletak di mana jua...
But we often neglect this...kerana ikutkan sangat hati...nak mengejar dunia...nak mengejar kebahagiaan alam yang sementara...walhal kita boleh kecapi semua itu for infinite time di alam syurga...

Not that we all are not aware of this..but that's the saddest part of being a human being...we are aware and yet we chose to divert our priorities to something else which brings happiness for years, when there's happiness that awaits us for the infinite of time...only some of us are being the true khalifah...but the majority are acting as if the other side is just an illusion...

And the pathetic phrase arises...LIFE STARTS AT 40...What if u were to be dead by 39? Now when does YOUR life starts? or more like WHERE does your life starts?...I chose to settle down now, at the age of 21...to have my own family...i've never felt how good it is to be in a FAMILY... not that i don't have one...but i have one that's more like a unity...not a family...think of the difference in that...

UNITY vs FAMILY...and all i wanted was a happy family...a family of my own...

HeLL yEaH!!!

13 more days to go and i'm off!!
No more internship blablabla...
Report settled, testscript for today settled, employer's evaluation...ooops oh shit...
hehehe..

Man! i miss my friends...my sayang...my sisters...MYSELF!!
Yeay pasni bole gi mandi sungai and go jungle-trekking and mandi laut! weehee!!