:: Sedih v7.1 ::

astaghfirullahul'adzim. ya allah kuatkanlah hati.

nothing has been easy, nothing.

honestly, THAT TV station i worked with really turned me onto someone utterly horrible. like seriously horrible inside out. i got messier each day, i smoked too much each day, i swear like one perempuan kampung, and the most important thing of all, i scewed up my relationship with the family, and my significant other.

• it was so bad, that i wasn't invited to birthday celebrations.
• it was so bad, that i didn't realize my own significant other was going all comfortable with his colleague of whom, personally to me, looked so much like his ex.
• it was so bad, that i was made to choose between the person in the top management and my own mother, on mother's day.
• it was so bad, that my world was just shikin, fiqa and her now-boyfriend shahrin.
• it was so bad, that at night, i felt loneliest ever throughout the wee hours.

i wish i can be just as interesting-looking, slim/skinny, and rich, just as that girl.

yes i'm sleepy. i had the best idea to write, but i guess my little nephew wore me out.

goodnight, sleep tight :)

:: Sunday, 1:35am ::

i don't know why, but i always get myself screwed up in my own comfort zone.
i've been the person people talk to, asking for advices, telling how sad or sorry they were that they got themselves into situations with others, but at the end of the day, i was left hanging, ALONE.

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.

one minute this person is complaining to badly about the so-called close friend (subsequently making ME the next best thing) and that things have changed eversince, then comes another minute when i suddenly see pictures of them together, or witnessing the exchange of love, trust and comfort amongst themselves. suddenly EVERYTHING goes back to normal, and yet again, i lose my "significance". suddenly i'm outdated, and for the gezillionth time, felt STUPID.

Then another party comes to me and said "Well, they ARE the bestest of friends, FOREVER u know. Like, nothing can change that?"

then comes it's back to normal. all the bestfriends go out with each other, they told each other about my opinions and suggestions, they criticize me, and then i'm alone again.

what, is someone trying to tell me that I was born to simply comfort others around me?
yeap, still haven't learned from my mistakes. Again others told me "oh wake up, stop being so straight and naive. Stop thinking that everyone who came to you had 100% genuinely good intentions. Stop thinking that no one's gonna harm u."

Well said fellas, well said. Now i'm back to square one.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY BESTFRIEND.
they're all merely "close-friends", friends, or acquaintance.
I've been trying very hard to "befriend" my enemies and resolve issues i've had had with people. Now we're all practically talking.

Someone also said to me "Yang kau beriya2 sangat nak jaga hati orang and relationship/friendship orang lain ni kenapa? ade orang lain tu peduli ke to even jaga YOUR hati?"

hmmm....betul jugak.

Thanks to those concerned. U have contributed to my piggy-bank of reasons to NEVER trust anyone at all, ever again.

Thanks. A LOT.

:: Minda Kosong ::

here i am, sitting in the office trying to catch a breath.
these few weeks have been hectic, with reports to be written and places to be observed and visited.
my sister is finally married to a friend and currently on their 12-day honeymoon in london.
my elder sister is finally coming home for a holiday this may 27th. oh how i miss my little nephew!

the other nephew is getting more attached to me. yes, he wakes me up every morning in the weekends with a melodic voice, calling my name. Nope, this voice doesn't stress me up at all. to me, his voice is the sound of joy and happiness. a voice that's full of hope. freaky, but i'm starting to feel that i should have one of my own now. hmmm let's see. savings = zero. forget about it.

plans plans plans.

june or july, was supposed to be the month that both bobby and i finally get to bury our feet onto the sands of perhentian, but doesn't look good now. somehow i gotta save more than 1k a month to realize my intentions of getting married next year and have a good honeymoon in land down under. yeah, daddy has summoned me to do so on the night my sister got hitched. so yeah, next year isn't far at all. gotta get myself ready aye?

hmm i'm getting boring by the day. oh well, wait til i get something juicy to share.
WAIT FOR IT!

:: Round of Celebrations! ::

Today's my sister's BIG day, :))
Today's also my dear cousin Azree Zharif Ozair's 26th birthday!
and my stepmom Elly Azlin Abdullah's 36th birthday!

To Nadia Zainudin @ Yaya @ Adeq,
God bless, Selamat Pengantin Baru by 8.30pm insyaallah. Moga jodoh panjang selalu, dimurahkan rezeki, dan dipermudahkan segala urusan... U will always be the little sister i've been protective off eversince we said hello in babytalks :)

Azree Zharif Ozair @ Ajib, u may or may not be reading this, but Happy Birthday dearest cousin... Moga Allah murahkan rezeki, memanjang umur dan jodoh kamu berdua, dan permudahkan urusan dunia dan akhirat awak, wife Farra and little angel daughter Arissa :)

Aunty Elly Azlin Abdullah @ Yanti :P, semoga dipanjangkan umur, dimurahkan rezeki, diberikan kesihatan, dan dipermudahkan urusan dunia dan akhirat...thank u for taking good care of my father!

LET'S ALL HAVE A JOLLY GOOD TIME TONIGHT SHALL WE!

:: Salam MoodSwing ::

don't u ever dare walk away from your own sanity.
don't u ever dare play god.
don't u ever dare utter that i am living in denial, when you were the one who needed the constant wake-up-call all through your life.

no, i won't deny that things are easier said than done.
and no, i won't say that i've been through worse than you.
no, i won't say i've got it all.

many of us like to play the "adult entity" when conversing, and many too, have stumbled upon questions that even the self-proclaimed adults couldn't begin to comprehend, yet alone answer with any sort of alibi and/or anecdote, and/or quality-mental-archive. have u ever tried asking those same questions to a 5-year old, whom has zero biasness whatsoever, and whom will reply you without the manipulative emotions of guilt, sorry and egoism. try it, you'll be surprised of how dumb you may sound.

i'm amazed. and shocked, to be exact, on how ungrateful people can be, and of course not excluding myself. selalu2lah kita muhasabah diri, menurut ahli2 ilmiah islam. but the thing that bothers me most are those whom constantly question their lives, and the level of mishaps they've gone through, subsequently directing the blame indirectly to the One and Only Allah swt, and other persons with their respective Gods, with their usual phrase "WHY ME?!" while screaming their hearts out, with body well-postured as if they were inhaling deeply and "expanding their lungs", yoga style. absurd. totally absurd.

and i can't believe some even had the NERVE to ask for my pity, when all they did was lie, lie and LIE. simple, all they did was twisting the story and manipulating ME onto believing as i am so well known for being "so straight" and that i "trust people too much and too easily". thanks, please do take advantage of me as often as you can, godspeed on trying to break me down. smile, you're on candid camera - pitiful portraits slot. so, do expect me to treat you just as friendly too, because i'm GREATER at making you a mega-fool of yourself.

sigh i really am trying to break myself away from all these nonsense and negativity, but still a beginner at it! more seem to come crashing down on me. have mercy please?

i'm on my pms mode, and not in the mood.
nope, not a very good entry indeed.
i'm just uncomfortable.
need.a.good.long.hot.shower.

assalamualaikum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuh walridhuanuhu wajannah walmaghfirah.