tHaNx kHa|ruL n|zAm...

sheila on 7

music song lyrics

pOnDeR pOnDeR pOnDeR...

gave a LOT of thought in my life...
of how i should become...who i should be...why i should be...when n where i should be...

typical of me to say that everything has just fell in its place...
alhamdulillah, endless gratitude to Allah...

through the years i've been wondering of how it would be...
when people often say...

:: Be with someone who loves u more than u love 'em ::

the thought first scares me...
i mean, how could u try to act as in ur in love as much as the other party does?...
now i know...
That it doesn't really "turns out" that way...
like everyone says...love will gradually grow...
believe it..cause it has just happened to me...

the thought that i would never love, trust n feel the warmth n comfort from a being...
made me push myself beyond borders of my own "standard" capabilities...
yah, everything sounds cheesy here...
but seriously...i could NOT believe a single moment of my life right now...

and to my dear friends...
i owe much of my happiness to u...
for u have been the strength on helping me devour my insecurities...
















The significant angelz by my side...

This entry is dedicated to my loved ones...

:: aL|a eMmY fArAh NaJwA fArAh NaDz aL|f FeEzAbELLe kHa|r I-mAn a|m| aReF sYak|rA sYaZaNa aL|yA a|dA cLaUd|nE aPeK eDd|e zAcK wAwA tHe tMn tUn gUyS n not to forget my everloving kHa|ruL n|zAm ::

mY hEaRt|eSt wEeKeNd...

Had a great weekend...
Making money...holiday with friends..and my first holiday with my Khairul Nizam... :)
It's super comforting to know that ur different clique of friends could actually, CLICK TOGETHER hehehe...

Emmy - my 5-year buddy and still going strong...from KJ
Wawa - my 6-year goodfriend who has int the recent years become my buddy...from KL
Aud - my 1-year friend who has also recently become a buddy...from Sarawak/Subang Jaya

Alia, Farah Najwa n Farah Nutz were missing due to own plans..hehe kiddinngg...
Next stop...DAMAI BEACH SARAWAK BAYBEEEEHH!!!

wHo wOuLd'vE tHoUgHt...

sheets cover subjects beneath it...
but do remember, sheets are made of cloth..
and no cloth aren't "see-thru"...
those that aren't will eventually be as they age...
what does that tell u?...
that underneath it all, eventually one day things will be clear...

there u were...
standing right before my eyes...
but covered with my own offensive shields...
when somehow u made me realize of who u are...
what u are...
u made me lower my defenses...
u made me uncover my shadows...
u made me flaunt credibilities...my passion...to live up my dreams...
u made me wanna trust again...
u made me think of how easy it is to be loved and cherished...
and to be trusted with miles of distance...

thank you...
Mohd. Khairul Nizam
Let September be a month to remember always...
yours truly...

eNdLeSs GrAt|tUdE...

alhamdulillah...i've finally graduated...
convo was held on 12th august...
and i'm grateful to my family for supporting me throughout my studying years and also for coming to my big day...Dad, stepmom, alia, farah, fiza n khair gave me gorgeous bouquet of flowers... thanx u guys sooooo much! had a long day, rite after convo, me, alia, farah najwa, farah nadz n aiza went to Nando's @ OU, pelahap like there's no tomorrow ok...hahah...then we went to shop @ Topshop (hahah farah nadz takde kesian heheheh)....

So many good things came my way, alhamdulillah...great friends, great achievements, great memories, great family....god, i wouldn't wanna change anything on what i have rite now...

One thing i realized...is that everybody needs a friend, a shoulder to cry on...AT LEAST one ok... and never EVER neglect ur family members....coz ur friend(s) might just bail on u, family, NEVER...u might think that ur family can be such pain in the arse, useless n so forth...in actual fact, they're the ones who really taught u on how to live ur life n not turn out to be a spoilt brat...I almost lost my bestfriend, and at that moment my world trembled so badly...i realized, the person concern plays a really HUGE part of my life...never have i ever choked n cried over a friend...and i want u 2 know, that u mean the world to me, and no one can ever replace u... EVER... and of course, i don't ever wanna lose my other close friends, u guys are my guardian angels....i wouldn't wanna lose u ever either...

:: Let it be that I die without a life companion, but I don't ever wanna die without being meaningful to others who treasure me and appreciates me 4 who I am ::

p|eRcEd mY hEaRt...HoPe 2 d|e....

Tertegun ku memandangmu
Saat kau tinggalkanku .. menangis
Bodohnya ku mangharapmu
Jelas sudah tak kau pedulikan cintaku

Mestinya telah kusadari
Betapa perih cinta tanpa balasmu
Harusnya tak ku paksakan
Bila akhirnya kan melukaiku

Mungkin ku tak akan bisa jadikan dirimu kekasih
Yang seutuhnya mencintaiku
Namun kurelakan diri
Jika hanya setengah hati
Kau sejukkan jiwa ini

Ku hanya terus berharap
Satu hari kau mampu .. sadari
Tiada yang pernah mengerti
Sepertiku setulus hati mencintaimu

:: Setengah Hati by Ada Band ::
~sob....

:....(

Ever since you left me
I've been trying to hide the pain
Painting on a smile with lipstick
Putting on a big charade
So difficult to keep pretending
It's getting harder everyday
It's plain to see I'm cold and heartsick
Since you turned and walked away
I just keep going round and round
And round in circles
Keep on tumbling down

Oh boy my world has changed
And I don't think I can make it without you
Nothing's the same
You got me running around in circles over you
(running around in circles over you)

Saturday I saw you
Holding hands with someone new
Somehow I kept my composure
Just like everything was cool
But inside I kept repeating
Don't you let them see you cry
So I casually turned my head
As the tears rolled down my eyes
I just keep going round and round
And round in circles
Keep on tumbling down

Everything is you
How can I pull through
My heart is consumed I'm so confused
Still caught up in you...love can be so cruel
Baby don't know how to turn you loose

:: Circles by Mariah Carey ::

Let's See Who's Go|n dOwN n WhO'S nOt...HAH!

well...well...well....
turns out God loves me after all! haha....
U fucked me up BIG TIME, now it's ur turn to pay....
oh how i love the sound of KARMA....
Manipulate, lie to both of us all u want, u just don't know what's coming after u....
We'll see how ur gonna end up twisting stories and manipulating urself...AHAH AHAH AHAH!

Oh let me enjoy this moment of glory....ALHAMDULILLAH...
Thank u God for snapping my head just in time....

YOU ARE SO FUCKED....and the best part is, U'LL BE FUCKED BY US....woohoo!!

TeArS fRoM mY HeArT....

It came over me in a rush
When I realized that I love you so much
That sometimes I cry, but I cant tell you why
why I feel what I feel inside

How I try to express what's been jugglin' my mind
But still can't find the words
But I know that something's got a hold of me

Baby, some day I'll find a way to say
just what you mean to me
But if that day never comes along
and you don't hear this song
I guess you'll never know that...

And when I say inside, I mean deep
You fill my soul with something I cannot explain
What's over me

thank u...everyone...

Baru ku sedari....
cintaku bertepuk sebelah tangan....

and so the song goes....felt so devastated...heard n sang along to it @ RP....

thank u to all of u....for being so patient on making me realize what i've been missing, how i took my life for granted, and how i wasted my love for somebody who doesn't feel the same way, when i could actually save it for someone else who appreciates it...sacrificed my life for nothing....
thank u..thank u...thank u....for ur endless love n support...

:: Alia, Emmy Safina, Farah Nadz, Farah Najwa, Khair, Feeza, Aiman, Balee, Syazana, Azura, Imran, Kak Ina, Syakira, Aref, Bob, Nizar, Abg Aidi, Abg Wadi, Yan, Pak Din, and my lovely family ::

I really appreciate ur kindness and friendship...luv u guys very very much...

|t |s t|mE....

Monday...

Received an sms from my dear friend...told me that his gf left him...why? let me tell u why..

SHE : busy with events...work, work, work....calls and sms from him, BARELY answered... goes out with him for breakfast/lunch/dinner like at MOST twice a week...

HE : calls her like twice a WEEK to just say hi...sends her to work everytime she's posted here...

Suddenly....
SHE : didn't pick up his call, didn't answer his sms on a weekend...truth fact, she went out clubbing with friends n one of them happened to be his friend...didn't even tell him about it(not that it was a big fuss, but hell, at least sms him back n tell him la kan, susah sgt ke?)...n fact was they haven't seen each other for more than a week...

HE : found out she went out clubbing...sms-ed her n told her he knew about it...then received endless panic responses from her....

THEN...
SHE : called him up, tak puas ati...bcoz kene tegur by him...said goodbye, slams down the phone while he was talking, n turned off her phone right away...

HE : called her back constantly, failure...sms-ed Een for advice n comfort...

EEN : told him to just leave it..sebab she was too freakin childish...biase la, budak baru keje, dpt banyak duit, lupe dunia...she couldn't even bother to sms back saying maybe she's busy or just to say hi after office hours...couldn't even pick up his phone calls at nite, for god sake...CEO pon tak busy camtu la...

Rite after that, the most dreadful moment happened..i was strucked so badly from what i saw.. i was too broken to even cry a tear...got back to dad's n everything just flashed in front of my eyes...what the HELL am i doing?!! I'm giving advices to a friend of similar situation, n here i am, NOT doing anything of my own pathetic situation..REALITY just checked-in...and i knew at that moment, I HAD to do it....i had to take up all the risks to hurt, to lose and to just let go...if things were meant 2 be, then it'll happen again...but at this point, n i believe in even years to come, the subject in concern is n will be annoyed, angry at me....probably he'll just puke whenever we see each other...i'm sorry for what happened...put urself in my shoes n tell me that ur not living a pathetic life...can u?...no one can..coz that's just REALITY...n the old Liyana would be DENYING reality...so, no more old Liyana...

The new Liyana is emerging...and she's taking one step further everytime...n she's LEAVING...
From heart to head...i'm finally THINKING straight...for everyone's sake...it hurts me like FUCK i swear....cried so many tears...n did he?...i dun think so..coz he's too busy with his life n his precious one...oh well, at least he has a life...and so will i....u just don't know what u got til it's gone..and mine has gone for a year in actual fact..i felt it, but he didn't....n i'm not gonna play his game anymore...i'm breaking down...AGAIN...how pathetic...

So this is it...this is GOODBYE....

I LuV LuV LuuuuuV my L|fE!!!!

first n foremost... thank u Syakira Mazrah...4 dragging me along to meet up with the tmn tun peepz...ya allah best gile...made a dozen more friends...totally changed my world k...these guys r so freakin friendly...baru knal dah tiu masing2....God knows how happy these people made me!
And u know what else la kan Syak...ahahahaha....

:: Alia just got back from UK...smuorg angau Alia hahahaha....damn u woman, jgn pegi lame2 lagi k! Now am gonna bug ur life to the fullest! ::
:: Emmy is forever busy with her endless events at LUCT...and her neverending social nites...haha My dear Emmy....SLOW DOWN woman! hahaha kang terbalik susah babe! ::
:: Farah Najwa, started class last week...so, goodbye lepaking with Farah...dammit... ::
:: Farah Nadz, forever has free time 4 me...entertaining me with her infectuous laughter hahaha... thanx for the swimming session, oh wait, make that sessionS as there r more to come! hehe Sofie, jgn kacau! i nak tenet ngan Farah plak, dah la u dok culik her 4 breakfast, mane aci!::
:: Syak's flying off this Sunday...Es tonto! why on earth do u have 2 go back to Perth too early! Xpe, she's off for a good reason, pursuing her Masters in politics..GO SYAK! am proud of u! ::
:: Aref's going back to Canberra on Sunday as well....man...TOO SOON i swear! too little time spent with him...sedey...Aref, nanti i'll give u more surprise phone calls k! :) 6 more months to go Boe, U CAN DO IT!! ::
:: Feeza is busy with her internship...miss u like hell....bile nak bagi her HRC stuff pon i tatau, ntah bile masing2 free....uwaaa :( ::
:: Khair is busy with classes and assignments...sorry khair i lame tak turun Cyber...nanti we'll meet up 4 lunch or sumthin k... ::
:: Zana, recently hooked up with this UIA guy...she's super happy n in love...am VERY happy 4 u lil sis...told ya one day "HE" will come....hehe ::
:: Alif tak reti2 nak balik from Ohio, working his ass off kat sane...ey, org smue nak convo la babe, and ur missing! Donkey!! Make sure u buzz us once u arrive, else we'll hunt u down u mofo! :p ::
:: Aimi is also busy with internship..well...it has been so long since we last lepak kan aimi... aimi bile dtg mood gile die mule la, ckp ngarut online...hahah it's so hard to catch her attention ahaha::

Been spending quite a lotta time with Bob n Mie over the past few days...melayan kerenah bodo diorg...endless...endless...hahaha...It's so good to have witty friends....Bob, jage sikit ur hair, i tarik kang tak jadi Ronaldinho dah! hahaha..Mie dah join the other side, his friends smue yg suke buat org tterperanjat tgh2 malam! ahahahhaha

As stated in my previous entry....u lose one, God replaces u with 10....and the figure is closing in... ahahahaha...i just lost one...and here comes few more! And currently am pretty happy with those who came along the line...i likey! hahahahaha...it's BAD to put up names and descriptions here as it may cause discretions and offences...so....BEEP...probably these people already knew what i have in mind! which appears to be relatively embarassing....eheh... :p

GOD IT'S GREAT BEING THIS WAY!! WOOOOHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!!!

Right back at...YOU! weehee

i'm happy...ur NOT
i'm laughing...ur NOT
i'm achieving...ur NOT
i'm healthy...ur NOT
i'm dealing with my life accordingly...ur NOT
i'm resilient...ur NOT

and one thing I'm NOT, but u r...
is LIVING IN DENIAL...
HAH!hehehehe

L|v|nG L|fE aS | sHouLd...

since valentine's day, a quote from syak's lovely card has been reminding me of what should be reminded to ALL...

:: Good things come to those who wait ::

couldn't agree more...my first few months were devastating, intolerable,painful...
i've waited...like a fool, i did...waited n waited but all that came swooming were BSs...
so i decided to stop waiting...n live my life as i should've...
putting up a smile was the hardest thing to do...

to a certain point, devastation will eventually becomes ignorance...substantially then becomes happiness...thank u syak...for the constant reminder...i'm grateful to u...
i thought too hard...too foolishly...and it brought me to a dead end...
a phrase that caught my eye the other day was from Feezabelle...but with a twist...

:: Being alone is so much better than to be in luv with sumbody who's not in luv with u...or probably sumone who's not even sure of his/her own capacity of luving the other ::

point taken...i am so happy with the life i'm leading rite now...i've never thought that life is as great as this...i've learned so much...and smiling...laughing so much...the last time i had all these was when i was 16...and gosh...how i would luv to keep my life this way forever...oh well, at least here i know how great n fair God is...

:: Lose one, He'll replace u with 10 ::

it's funny to see how fickle people are...not just on their attitude...fickle on thoughts, decisions, words...EVERYTHING...one minute they say they adore u...on the other minute they say they adore sumone else...hmm...MEN...oh how i wish they could just keep their birds in their pants.. :)

most of us often neglect the luv 4 ourselves...n i've never figured how signifant that is, until it stroke me hard...n i've learnt to not expect anything in return at all...ape ade, ambik je la..
alhamdulillah...smue kuase tuhan...

My deepest gratitude to all...thank u for believeing in me..supporting me and tolerating with me..
u guys played a huge roll on helping me become that happy person again... :)

my platforms of emotions...

it's true when they say, God will never give u what u ask for..
u gotta EARN it...strive for it...

things haven't been easy lately...
first it was my endless weekly presentations, quizzes, assignments and the BIG BROTHER final year project...
then came the remorse of an immediate family member...it was superbly unpredicted...
that night at about 9p.m., allahyarham's two children were just at the hotel spending time with him, when all of a sudden everything went wrong...
9a.m...
I was suddenly woken up from my sleep which lasted only for about 5 hours, by an irritating ringing tone..it was my mom...
For years, i have not heard that voice, so full of sorrow..mom was crying, grieving...told me that my uncle died...cause of death, suspected hyper pressure...i went speechless, ran down to wake my uncle up, who was snoring his way to la la land...
2006 is a s***ty year...everyone just..DIED...ya allah what on earth is happening...

His death opened up my eyes n heart...to live life to the fullest...
I've been waiting for things that aren't coming anywhere in the near future, or probably ever...
I should've instead grabbed every opportunity that came my way...not sitting there like a loser waiting 4 somebody to spoonfeed me...wasted my time there...
just when i feel so s***ty, with the continuous unfavourable dreams, an sms came in right after i slammed my precious notebook close...a goodnite sms from the 1 n only...made me smile n i had a pretty darn good dream... :) it was the same night my uncle died tragically...
The next morning was full of mourning, a sad sad morning...tried to just keep calm n be strong for my mother...after a few hours, an anonymous call came in...
It was my first puppy lover...Told me he misses me, n that he dreamt of me being so thin, as if my life has been superbly miserable..oh how sweet...he put up a smile back on my face... :)

all day long i was thinking..what the hell have i been doing?...what on earth have i been thinking, doing things that i've done?..its like i'm taking my LIFE for granted, BIG TIME...
til it just came to a point that i stop wondering...look back n smile...n that was all that i could do...
n how i wish it will never fade away...how i miss being in that state...where smiling was my favourite routine...n where my favourite fairytales come true... :...(

I just HATE it!!

i hate it when people kept giving me nonsense!
i hate to be in this s***!
i hate being an a**!
i hate being left behind!
i hate you!
i hate myself for the chances i gave u!
i hate myself for blindly believing in u!
i hate ur behaviour!
i hate u 4 using me like f***!
i don't ever wanna c ur goddamn face anywhere in the near future, or better off ever!
i don't wanna hear ur voice!
i don't wanna share any laughter and tears anymore with u!
ur killing me and i'm now turning into a horrible person!
i'm lack of patience and i hate that!
i hate to live in the same country as u!
now i'm hating myself for giving face at u!
i hate it i hate it i hate it!
f***ing grow up and get outta my life!!!

fUr|oS like nobody's business!

Nowadays, EVERY freakin human being is turning into an ARSE...
Sumpah, i don't know why..
Smue ckp tak serupe bikin...
Kaki tipu...
Kaki pusing cerita...
Freakin living in denial...
Gelojoh, dah dapat satu nak lebih...
Take others for granted BIG TIME...
Taking credits for someone else's work...
Cerita berapi padahal keje tak seberape...
Just because some ppl dah start keje, ade hati nak compare with others yg still on their degree level, when in fact yg keje awal tu higher education pon separuh jalan...Oh PLEASE!...
Ade yg muke cam half-constructed building ade hati nak kutuk others...
HOI REALITY CHECK...EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN FLAWS ASSHOLE!haa kan dah terkeluar...
Ade yang kene sepak ngan i kang...ya allah nasib baik tuhan bagi i ruang utk sabar lagi...Argh....

My 1st n Last Promenade..

It has been 4 years since I first became an MMU student...
Graduation is anticipated to be in June, 2006...
And I'm glad that I went through so so many phases during my years spent...
Thanx u guys 4 making my life in MMU so worthwhile...
U guys will always be in my heart...

sumthin 2 think about...

How many times
Are you gonna apologise about the same thing
And how many times can I take you back
When I'm not the one that's doin' wrong
I thought maybe if I started prayin'
That we would get better, but
When I would pray the answer would always come
Back to me bein' done
But we are so hard headed when we're in love
So I

I told myself that I would make some changes
But the more I change there's one thing that remains the same
I can't seem to shake ya
You seem to really have a hold on me
And everytime that we break up
We turn around and make up
This can't go on now
I gotta move on now
It's not the fact that I don't love you no more
But I gotta break this bad habit
Can't take his bad habit no more

I'm totally out of my element
Learnin' new ways to live, while you're in a comfort zone
Not even thinkin, (you couldn't think about me) to call
And then when I get mad you buy me gifts
Thinkin' it's gonna solve every issue
From the girl callin my phone, to the pictures that I saw
And every time you would break up with me for nothing at all
I've taken all I could take
But the way I live has gotta change

Let me break it down
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you was just too blind to see
Past, all of the pain they were causin' you
Ladies do you feel me
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you went against the
Right things that you should do
Then it's time to make a change

:: Bad Habit by Destiny's Child ::

Mr. KAZ...

thank u...
thank u...
thank u...

u made my day...
n i love u 4 that...