uLt|mAtE sAdNeSs...

First it was my love life...
Then it was my "delayed" exams....
Then it was my job of which I don't really know what to be done...
Then comes my super pathetic exam results of which my gpa dropped by 0.5 and my cgpa dropped by 0.06...

How shitty more can life be?!
Am so frustrated...tensed...agitated and hell yeah I'm pissed!

How the hell am I suppose to buck up my pointers within 3-packed sems?!

I'M SCREWED....HELP IN NEED....
BEEP...transmission disconnected by peer.....

t|cK...t|ck....BLEEGGHHH!!!

Counting the days gone by....Fixing every bits and pieces of the unsolved puzzle...Gone thru an American maze...Tried every fusion food...Painted every wall I walked by....

Life just couldn't get any more painful...Been holding myself back from so many things which most of them I believe would lead to the repetition of pathetic history..

If this keeps on going for another year, I swear I'll patheticly end up getting married at 40, or a worst-case scenario, an OLD LONELY FART...arrgghh...I just wish I knew what was going on in my dumb head everytime I thought of doing something so ridiculous...Everything seems so mystical, irrational, supernatural and everything indescribably nonsense...

God help me go on if these are the things meant to be for me...and please help me put aside the things that were just fantasies and things that I could never have or achieve...I don't know whether I was trying too hard, or just not been trying hard enough...Am I being too harsh on myself?...No answer is within my reach, not even clues or shadows....

I wanna understand life and make the best of it..But how am I going to if there aren't any guidance and support...Lately there are so many obligations to be done...To myself, mom, dad, sisters, work, school, friends, and the significant one...I truly wanna make things right, and I hope whatever it is that I'm doing now is leading me onto the right track...

If this doesn't go anywhere, I swear I'll just pass-out or just drop dead... :'(
I miss everything about us... *sob*... :(

tEars fRom My hEaRt...

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go...Somewhere only we know?

|ssUes...|ssUes..|ssUes...

Ok this is what long pathetic holidays do to u...U'll get bored doing nothing, ended up doing so many unnecessary stuff, create unnecessary issues, troubles and assumptions, everything starts to be so goddamn ridiculous and nowhere near logical thinking....

Thank god work starts next week! I'll be occupying myself again and be productive AGAIN! uuff holidays are killin me! owhhh shoot...exams are next week too...Mother of hell, haven't even taken a glimpse at my books...sumbody slap me!

Xybase here I come...one little route screwed, I'll be screwing up the entire Jakarta airport map! holly crap...I don't have a clue of why am I stuck with the "air industry"...Hated every single part of it, from the construction to the runaways to the flights and to the employees! Damn it now I'll be the person behind the curtains! yeekkkhhh....Well at least they pay me well! yehehe!

July is just around the corner...and I'll be moving my butt off to a new crib...yeaaahhh.. No more old KJ bullshitz! Let's breathe the new air! yeepee! Hope my final year goes well...oh please please let it be as planned...Gotta get outta this neighbourhood right away.. It's accumulating nonsense and shitz...


~Take a step further and U'll see beyond the thorns of the white rose...~

aG|tAtEd sNuG...

Sounds mixed up? yeah pretty much...I just couldn't figure out on what stand am I on now... Used to be a snug, then I became agitated, then a snug again, and now, I don't even recognize myself...

Phases of life and so they call it...which reminisced me about the old E'en...Hmm... Been a jerk, a half-bitch, full-blast angel when it comes to my boyfriend, a sarcastic, obnoxious and arrogant child, horrendously ugly and poorly taken care of, superbly active in both indoor and outdoor sports and tried so hard to keep up with the current trend (never was a trendsetter, too bad at it!)....

One thing that I disagree with my significant one is that life isn't always miserable...Because that would mean knowing me was a terrible mistake and it has made ur life miserable..heh... People always say, accept life as it is...Well, partly it is true, because waiting for a miracle to happen is tedious and almost...IMPOSSIBLE...

Couldn't keep up with changes, demands and expectations from the world... I thought I've done so much yet everything's so far from reach...and seems further n further away... There's so many unexplainable memoir.... *sigh*

OH no, I've just discovered that I'm having blood clot around my retina... been scratching my eyes because of my allergy towards haze...arggghh.... looked so damn scary...ABNORMAL I must say...

Nowadays everything moves so slowly, as if u could catch a falling rain... I missed my days during May 2000...uhhuu.....~ God knows why...

Thoughts to ponder...

Now I wonder if U should know..
Just how it feels...
To be left outside alone...
When it's cold out here...
-clip from a song...-

Somehow it makes me wonder...Has he ever felt this way...Does he have any idea of how indescribable this situation is...oh well, God has His own ways...

Come closer and I'll take my hand outta my pocket,
Just for you to see what I hid inside,
Hey it's nothin much, it's just a sachet,
With pastel flower prints...

Open the sachet and U'll find,
The debris and dusts trapped inside,
Why don't U bring it home,
Hence clean it with a vacuum cleaner,
At least the dusts go away but the colour stays...

Pay a visit to your one-acre garden of eden,
Drag the sachet while running through the flowers,
Don't forget to pick some pink daisies,
And hold it gently so they won't get flattened...

When we meet up for English tea and scones,
Bring along my sachet and daisies,
I am not of any type of Molly Jones,
Just the type U rarely see...

Diamonds are good, and good for life,
How about people who constantly strive?,
Eventhough 4 seasons repeats itself,
There will never be the same books on the shelf...

If both Men and Women are to last,
Which reef will U habitate?
If Women were to last and Men to extinct,
When will the war ever end?
If Men were to last and Women to extict,
When will there ever be "the man-of-the-house"...

aLhAmdULiLLaH....21 years n counting..

Hey hey...am 21 today! yeay!...

So much I have been thru...and yet so much more to come..Had a tremendously fun holiday with Feezabelle, Khair n my luvly sister Adeq...Luv u guys so much...Life as usual, been bitchy to me.. I'm sick on my birthday, how pathetic is that!...

One good thing about being 21 is that I'M ON MY FINAL YEAR of DEGREE!! oh yeaahh!! Coming up, internship...Looking forward to it...Then, 2 more sems and I'M DONE baby! Like ding donnggg...one more year to go! Can't wait...

My significant other (who shall remain nameless), is off to Aussie somewhere on the 4th quarter of this year...Hope all goes well and good things come along...We need a super change.. Sorta like a life turnover i must say...

Everything seems so oblivious nowadays...I don't know why, but sure as hell I'm pissed with everything...ergghh... Few days ago, met this old schoolmate of mine who suddenly looked like she has been making conspicuous consumption and telling the world about it...well, well, turns out that Miss Suddenly Happening isn't the next Donald Trump after all! hah! Excuse me lady, I have enough friends, contacts and cables to all sorts of business FYI...Sheesshh I may appear like a stupid spoilt-brat, but hey, please conduct some background check before you make any assumptions ok?! Now who's the ultimate idiot? Four of your fingers are pointing at yourself isn't that right?....blegghh...

And one more thing that has been bugging me nowadays, fusillade....I don't know why, suddenly all these nonsense came swooming at me like bees...yeekkhh freaky....

Oh no, now that I'm 21, I'll be going straight to jail for any illegality! Mommmm!!! help! No more juvenille status..jeng jeng jeng...But everything else, HELLO LEGAL world! heheh

Crappin nonstop...I'm hungry...Where's my significant other?! Arghh bring me out makan please i need FOOD!

blegh blegh.... -OUT-

My Fellow Roddens...hehe

My lovely lovely May buddies and cousins... Thanks for being a part of my life... Lotsa Luv...

MAY 8, 1984
Cousin Azree Zharif Ozair a.k.a. Ajib

MAY 12, 1984
Cousin Mohd. Ezzany Yusof a.k.a. Zany a.k.a. Zany Depp

MAY 18, 1984
Buddy Gal Sharifah Khairiyah Syed Abdul Hamid a.k.a. Khair

MAY 28, 1984
Buddy Man Aiman Sya'aban Mohd. Azahari a.k.a. I-man

May God bless us...

Life's a Bitch? Tell me about it..

I can't stop thinking of how bitchy life has been for me this year...So many endless crap shit been served in my dinner plates...And bloody hell i have to consume it!...

Ok, one thing that I believe in...everything happens for a reason, and that KARMA does exist...And one more thing...Don't blame others for fucking up on you, instead look at yourself from every perspective and angles...Where'd u go wrong?... Talk to people, not just ur goddamn click of frenz! U ain't goin nowhere if u keep that routine!

Probably shit happens to u because of the shittyness u caused a person...
OR
It could be because God wants u to realize of the unnecessary bullshits and unfavourable life ahead if u keep pursuing on what u were doing...Sounds complicated and a whole lot of effort? Of course u idiot! U think God would make it as easy? Hell no!

Whichever the reason is, of course it'll lead u to a better life in the end.. It's just the matter of opening up your heart, mind and soul to consequences and opportunities. U take the bad one then it's a lesson to be learned, U take the good one hey, u'll luv urself more than ever!

I hope that my intern will be all well and good...and I hope to have some changes in the way I perceive things from then on...I can't afford to lose another precious thing in my life ever again..

I'll always luv U...

my supporters...thank u...

Just felt so grateful for having such wonderful "supporters" in my life... Eventhough sometimes they "left me out" in some outtings, but they still were there at times i felt like killing myself overnight...

Thank u for all the love and support...Love u guys....

Alia...Emmy...Feezabelle...Khair...I-man... Arefbimb...Zanabitch...MySisters...

N not to forget....someone who I've loved all these while, n still is strongly in my heart...Things didn't workout as favoured, but we still are trying to mend the broken pieces, bit by bit... Thanks for not losing the love n trust in me...Love u very much...

Khairul Affendi Zainal

|mPoSs|bLe...

It's impossible..
To love u..
Let me know what ur feelin...
It's impossible, for me to give u what u need..
If ur always hiding from me...
I dunno what hurts u, i just
wanna make it rite..
boy i'm sick n tired of tryin to read ur mind...

It's impossible to make it easy
If u always try to make it so damn hard..
how can i give u all my love baby..
if ur always put up ur guard...
this is not a circus..
don't u play me for a fad..
how can emotions keep goin up and down...

It's impossible for me
to love u this way...
It's impossible..
if u keep on treating me that way..
over and over...

a MoMeNt oF s|LeNcE...

Without realizing...sumtimes we think too much, wonder too much, questioning too much...
Most of the time, life has been really simple and easy...it's us ourselves who made it a hassle...
My significant other used to tell me, "Things happen only when u allow them to happen"... On which, so far, has never been more true...

I've also realized that everytime I pray for something, it will never come to me as I hoped it to... What I'm trying to say is that I do, of course often have my prays come true, but it doesn't appear as if it is a good thing if u see and think of it naively.. U often "feel" that bad luck has been cursed upon u, but actually when u think of WHY it happened... VOALA! it's actually an answer to ur prayer! It's just a matter of time that u open up ur heart and mind to really understand what was the cause for these things happening around u! See, GOD is fair!

So my dear friends...
I suggest that u start opening up to urselves...and who knows... u might just have a new perogative, well, that's what I have now... :) n everything has been tremendously kind and beautiful to me...

|'m |n cUp|d MoDe...

there's a lady who loves u.. more than u would ever have imagined..

sumtimes she doesn't know how to express it..and there are times when she was left clueless, another ladybug comes by..

if only she would've known what 2 say or do... to win that beautiful heart which exists with only one soul...

if only u could hear what her heart really feels inside...for she has not planned for any wrong-doings...

she's openning up to u...maybe it's a bit later than anticipated...but she's still in that period of time...nothing is easy when it comes to expressing ur true, absolute love to that special one...for only He knows....

this lady hopes that one day..that one fine miraculous day, she will outshine others around...
as she knows out of reality, she is nowhere compared to the ones visiting....

she saw that one person, whom not only shined outrageously, but glittered like the stars in te sky... and she planned to keep giving life to those stars, to show to the world how beautiful it is... n stare n cry beneath it....

she is that person who loved u half a decade ago...and still is holding strong to what she believes to be her true soulmate...

and this goes to my luvely Affendi....and to all the lovers out there... eventhough valentine's has passed...let us all retain the warmth all life long...
God bless u sayang...for u have given me all the love in the world...

Life...Me...

If I were a bird...
I'll fly in the blue sky..
If i were a flipper...
I'll swim in the deep blue ocean...
Exploring God's blue coral...
Free my mind and soul...
While enjoying God's creations around me...

I'm a girl...
Confused, lost and trying to overcome my fears...
Fears in life and love...
Haunting me dusk 'til dawn...
Lack of confidence has always been my problem...
In everything i do, everywhere i go, with anyone i talk to...
God gave me strength and will...
Of which i've not used for reasons i couldn't explain...

What's with me?
What's playing in my heart?
Nobody could ever explain...
Not even words dictionaries contain...

I've been seeking love all my life..
God gave me a person to love...
To care for, understand another being just like me...
And get myself outta this immaturity...
Understand about life and its ways...
All through my coming years...

It was thee, who made me feel free..
Out of my misery, slowly and smoothly...
Thee were nothing like i've ever seen..
Someone who does everything with keen...
His love and words like Shakespeare...
So romantic...so strong...
Like a liquid that will never smear...

Praise the Lord for giving and showing me...
All the wonderful things life could bring...
And all that's worth to sing..
The world is like a bun...
And i'm just the sesame seed...
Now so eager to know what the world has to bring...
Now i know...now i see...
That life and me...
Are two tremendously beautiful things...

HeLLo HeLLo..

ok...i didn't know what to do...so i started this thing...good i guess.. since i myself have so many things buried inside..it's killin me so damn slowly...
Life has been so hard...i don't know what to to..where to go...what to think...
This anger inside of me is bubbling like a volcano waiting to erupt...god have mercy upon me..
It's like whatever i feel or think or do don't matter anymore to anyone...
For the first time i feel so empty... The emptiness is always filled half-way thru n it doesn't stay... Often times it lasts for a few hours...then POOF! back to normal...
SNAP SNAP reality check! what the hell is going on nowadays? This is super pathetic!
What ever man...LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE A BITCH n yes, i agree with u Feeza...